Pictures with Santa

 

 

 

 

 

 After we cut down a Christmas tree, we headed to the mall for pictures with Santa.  We prefer to knock out all holiday traditions in one day, whew!

O' Christmas tree...

Discovered this lovely little tree farm, Dull's Tree Farm.  Not sure what prompted us to cut down our own Christmas tree this year.  Maybe because we are in a new house.  But more likely it's because our sad skinny fake tree is looking pretty worn down.  These guys actually sold out of Christmas trees by Dec 11.  We highly recommend it...open fire pit to cozy up to, fresh roasted peanuts and a wreath barn.  That is if you are the type that likes to spend 90 bucks on a live wreath, which I am not.  Very pretty though.  It was the Saturday after Thanksgiving and the first really cold day of the year.  If you look closely at the pictures you may be able to see that Ethan was shivering uncontrollably.  The boy needs to put on some more body fat if he's going to survive Indiana winters!

 

 

 

We all took a turn sawing

7.5 ft white pine

Mother dreams...

We drove the 2 hour round trip to NiNi's therapist for her last appointment on the books.  For the short term anyway.  We circled up and prayed at the end.  This caused so much gratitude and emotion to well up inside me that I nearly hugged our therapist.  Her treatment ended almost to the day that we embarked on this journey a year ago.  Except a year ago we had a different therapist.  One who worked on "parental attachment techniques" while the parents sat down the hall reading a National Geographic magazine.  Seemed a little counter-intuitive to me too.  And then we found Rick.  Was really quite miraculous the way that we found him (and I don't throw that word around a lot).  But NiNi is not "healed."  We understand her about 150% better than we did a year ago.  We know how to manage her behavior most of them time. But she is not healed.  Still, Chris and I unanimously agree that going to therapy (and in the process radically changing the way we parent) was one of the best decisions we've ever made. And I am super grateful for a few individuals (mom and mother-in-law included) whose support quite literally made this year bearable. But changing the way we parent has also been one of the loneliest decisions.  Everyone's an expert when it comes to parenting advice, and we've heard input that has spanned the gamut. Some of it extremely helpful and some of it not so much.  I think that most people (ourselves included) seem to operate under the assumption that once a traumatized child is in a loving home for a period of time, that somehow the hurts just go away. Even those in the adoption community want so badly to believe this.  Don't we all want to believe that the love we shower on our child will change them, melt them, soothe them.  But somehow it did not work that way for us (and I don't think we are alone in that).  Because you can't fill up a love tank until you figure out how to pry the lid off. And in some cases kids don't show signs of old trauma wounds and grief until their brains are mature enough to process them.  It's called delayed grief and it's all over the child psychology literature.  Now we operate under the assumption that a whole lot of our kids' behavior is likely related the their  trauma.  You would have a hard time convincing me that severe emotional and physical neglect for the first 18 months of a baby's life (when their brains are developing at hyper-speed) does not have lasting effects on a child.  Let alone effects that last more than a year or two.  People do not have bad hearts.  I believe they love us and our kids very much.   And don't we all tend to give advice from our own world view, based on what worked for us.  But still we hear it..."You'll spoil that baby!"  "That one's gonna need medication for sure!"  "She's just too shy"  Strangely, all advice I might have dolled out, back when all I had was a well adjusted biological child. Going against the grain to do what you feel is best for your child still takes a certain amount of courage (and there are mothers much more courageous than I.) I should have a label for "sleep disturbance"on this blog becuase I have written that many posts about the fact that Ethan does not sleep.  For reasons we will probably never know, sleeping and night time was/is a very scary time. Heart racing, sweating, blood curdling scream time. We decided to deal with this by, well, meeting his need for comfort and security. At first he would sleep only against my body. Gradually he has become more secure. Some of the time he now falls asleep in his own bed while we sit in a chair nearby.  I will say that after nearly a year of co-sleeping (in some form or another) we hit a tiny break through. Today as I was putting him down for a nap, he said to me, "I not scared mama." I still tear up at the significace of this. Wow.  Need-meeting really does produce a less "needy," more secure kid.  I am not saying we have a corner on parenting adopted children. Far from it. We still throw our hands up just as much as the next person.  And, please, still offer us advice that is sensitive to our kids' histories. I think that more this post is about making a decision to not parent out of fear. A tall order. What if they never get into college?  Never have a satisfying career?  Never marry?   But I've realized that, more than scholarships and soccer stars, I want them to be "relationship" people.  This is my new and improved "mother's dream" for them.  That they would feel compassion (we are just now seeing this develop with NiNi and she is almost 7 years old), feel safe with another human being and that safety lead to vulnerability, connect with their father and I and ultimately with God, enjoy the people in their "present" without constantly reliving their past, delight in delighting others.  A life that is void of those things is a very scary proposition. So yeah, I guess "spoiled" is a consequence we are willing to accept.  Having a kid who doesn't know how to receive or give love is not.  Just feeling hopeful today that we are headed in the right direction.

Halloween

 

 

 

Ethan update

Lots to report on the little man!  First off, he is finally growing.  Don't have the official numbers because the doctor cut us loose from the monthly weight checks, but all I know is that is pants are getting too short and I can't see his ribs as well:)  He still drinks formula 3 times/day but more importantly he has discovered a love of eating.  He comes home from preschool everyday famished.  I have to bring a snack in the car to tide him over for the 4 minute trip home otherwise he will scream (and I do mean scream) "I hungry" the entire way.  Some days he can't seem to get enough and we are happy to keep serving up as much as he wants.  He is doing great in the developmental preschool.  He gets speech twice a week there and they also work on attention, social and cognitive skills there.  He can count to 10 and each week I am amazed at the animals he can label (like "whale" and "hippo").  The teacher reports that he has some trouble sharing (shocker) but that he is getting better and better with attending to tasks at a table or sitting in circle time.  Hard to believe that almost exactly one year ago we were told that he had microcephaly with possible mental retardation and a genetic syndrome.  Not that any of those things would have been the end of the world.  But we are amazed at God's faithfulness and that for all intents and purposes Ethan will grow to be a typical little boy.  Our biggest challenge at home is still the impulsivity and attention problems.  Growing taller also means that he can reach things on the counter tops and even climb onto the counters, window sills, bookcases, etc.  You can imagine that everyday we do not make a trip to the ER is a good day.  Between 3pm-6pm every day (a time that I now refer to as the "witching hour") he is completely off the carts.  Throwing food and toys, dumping over drinks, pulling things off the counter.  Right now I am sitting in his room typing this on the laptop and every single toy and picture frame has been pushed off  the shelves.  Every single toy bin is overturned.  My house literally looks like a tornado hit on most days.  And not a lot of gourmet vegan meals these days.  In fact any evening that I don't have to order take out is a good evening.  Very grateful for the Whole Foods around the corner which carries vegetarian and vegan convenience foods (Even though they are heart-attack expensive).  It's hard to determine how much of his behavior is ADHD and how much is RAD (reactive attachment disorder) since the symptoms for both are very similar.  Our therapist seems to believe it is the latter.  I think it will become more clear as he gets older but we are using many of the same techniques that we use with NiNi, even beginning to "wear" him for a few hours each day.  He still has alot of sleep problems so we often don't get a break during the day when most kids nap. (Seems like when we try to nap him, he has an even harder time going down at night.)  When we moved into the new house we broke down and got a king-sized bed.  We figured since he was in it every night anyway, we might as well have some space to spread out.  We try to get him to at least start out in his own bed (which is an hour long endeavor) and then he makes his way into our bed the first time he wakes.  I always heard that kids will sleep when they are tired enough.....until I met Ethan.  He breaks the mold.  Gets maybe 10 hours/night on a good night.  And that is not a solid 10 hours...wakes 1-3 times during the night.  And really never ever "crashes."  Our most valuable parenting lesson these days is adapt, adapt, adapt!  So that is what we are doing!  And in spite of the challenges, Ethan is a total delight.  I call him my little peacemaker.  When anyone walks into a room he wants to make sure that everyone has noticed or greeted them.  The other day we were at my friends house when her husband came home from work. I was chatting with my friend and her husband was looking through the mail, getting a drink, etc.  Ethan walked over to him, took him by the hand, and led him over to his wife.  And then said something like "Say hi" or "Give her a kiss."  Such a sensitive kid this one.  Bet the ladies will go crazy over that someday:)

                                   Fun with a gun...seemed like a handy place to hang a holster

Mmmm...food

...and more food

Ethan writing his "numbers."  Somehow they all very closely resemble zero.

Every time Chris sits down to watch a game, Ethan runs to grab his jersey:)

Ethan and dad at the science museum.  Dad also made imprints of other body parts which shall remain nameless.



Yes, I'm going to have a bad back...but he likes it and it keeps him calm for 30 minutes or so! 



Big boy bed