1 month

Ethan has been with us just over one month now. I commented to another family in our travel group recently that it feels like SO much longer...in a good way. I can't think of another word to describe him except "delightful". From the steady stream of smiles and giggles, to his sloppy open-mouthed kisses, to his cleverness and the funny way he tucks his blanket under his chin before he has a bottle, and (best of all) the tiny pats of his hand on my back when we snuggle. I keep waiting for the honeymoon to end (I'm a realist that way...Chris calls it "doomsday thinking" but "realist" sounds so much less harsh, don't you think?) Of course, I don't exactly know what that would entail or what I am afraid of. Maybe deep down I think the transition has gone TOO smoothly. Like maybe he is TOO happy. Like whatever tenuous bonds we now have are just superficial. Like we might still all wind up in therapy a few years from now. And maybe we will, but there is no doubt in my mind that this is the child God has chosen for us. When we were in China, I was surprised at how much the people there believe in "predestination." Our guide told us that when Chinese see an American couple with a Chinese baby, they immediately think that "destiny" has brought us together. Of course while many Chinese people believe in the power of the "universe", we know that this power comes from God. I don't know if I've ever blogged about how we received Ethan's referral. I actually tried to decline his referral...TWICE! Very early on in our process (right after our application was approved, I think) our agency offered to match us. Knowing we were still about a year away from traveling and because of everything we went through with Mayah (holding her referral for over 9 months and then her passing away shortly before we traveled) I had made up my mind that I wanted to be matched as late as possible in the process. I suppose my rationale was that if something bad happened, I would not be so attached to this child. I realize this was a slightly dysfunctional approach, but that's where I was at. And so we went along, compiling our dossier, completing our homestudy, without a match. Shortly after we completed our homestudy, I received an email about a potential match for us. I promptly emailed the woman back and said thanks, but no thanks. She emailed again saying this child matched our checklist and we should really take a look at him. Of course I knew that if I actually looked at him, it would all be over. Nope nope nope, I replied. Then my cell phone rings. Same woman. I'm sure she thought I was crazy. I explained my line of reasoning, that it didn't feel like the right timing, and she reiterated that this WAS a good time for a match considering where we were in our paperwork. Yeah, yeah, I was unconvinced. Then she said the words, "He's the last child on the list." Mayah and Alina were "the last child on the list" too. Meaning they had found matches for all the files sent in that batch except for ONE. And then I looked at the date: April 27. The same day three years ago that we received Alina's referral. I am generally not overly conscious or attributing so much spiritual significance to dates or "signs from God" but I felt like God was, at the very least, trying to get my attention. So I opened the pictures on my email. Here was this beautiful baby, grinning from ear to ear in spite of his cleft, and, as I knew it would be, that was all she wrote. Game over. I was hooked. Although I am pretty sure we are done growing our family, I can definitely see how families adopt again and again and again. It is one of the most thrilling experiences of a lifetime. Not to downplay pregnancy and birth, which are very miraculous indeed. I think adoption requires a unique "stretch" of ones faith which compares to few things in the parenting arena. I've said it before, that there is nothing like an adoption to make you feel completely helpless. No control whatsoever. This little life that is neither in your body nor in your hands. Months and months of waiting. Pouring over a single solitary picture. Without an update. And the countless other defining moments...choosing a name (YOUR name), clicking the "buy now" button for the airline tickets, leaving your other children behind, the raw nerves of waiting for your child to walk (or be carried) out to you on gotcha day, during which the split second panic hits of "what have we done..." And then you hold him or her. Sometimes it feels "right" right away and sometimes even that takes time. But just look at what God did. The people and places and government agencies he has orchestrated to bring two lives together...and all without the slightest bit of assistance from us, I might add. As I am typing this Ethan is sitting on my lap in a soggy diaper and very sloppily enjoying his morning bottle. What a perfect way to commemorate 30 wonderful days together. Thanks, God.

Random holiday pictures

Tuckered



The Reuter/Bolender clan. NiNi was not in the mood to be photographed

Big hug for grandma

Passing the buck

This is the cake we made back in May for Ethan's 1st birthday. We froze 5 pieces so that we could re-celebrate once he was home.

Thoroughly enjoying his cake...it was still surprisingly tastey after 8 months in the freezer!


The girls loving the snow...Ethan not so much

Does mom look tired, or what?

NiNi's culinary creation

One of TWO ride on toys Ethan got for Christmas


"Wait, can we talk about this bunny towel?"





Meagan opening her DSI...she was genuinely surprised!

Starting to feel like some form of family structure is on the horizon. We've spent the last week running around to doctor appointments and labs, spending a pretty penny on a variety of formulas that Ethan does not like, and de-programming the girls from three weeks worth of being without the loving discipline of mom and dad. Don't get me wrong, we are very grateful to grandmas and aunts who helped take care of them while we were gone, but there's nothing like "mom's rules" to keep the "attitudes" at bay. We are on a major campaign to put some serious poundage on the little man. Let's just say our pediatrician was not at all happy that Ethan is two whole blocks below the bottom of the growth curve for every measurement. We are supposed to go back in one month to see if he's gained. So, when is dinner time? Anytime he will let us feed him! The eating is really going much better. He is eating a "toddler" diet much of the time, with a few jars of baby food thrown in the mix for good measure. My good friend (who is also a dietitian) dropped by some fortified protein shakes and juices which he loves. It's really the drinking that he struggles with the most. Chinese formula made him spit up all the time and American formula is not sweet enough so he drinks 1-2 ounces and then stops. For about a week I was only changing his diaper 2-3 times a day, which all moms know is a big red flag. He seems to like the soy formula a little better so we're going with that for now. Sleep is also going much better. He's getting used to being in his crib alone and gets up only 1-2 times at night. We have some specialists appointments coming up in the next few weeks to get some things checked out, but all in all, things are going very well. Oh and did I mention that he is WAY smart? I started teaching him some sign language as soon as we got back and he has learned 5 signs (milk, juice, sit, more, all done) and uses them purposefully. He's also figured out how to unlock the child-proof latch on the toilet after seeing me do it a couple of times. Thankfully he's not strong enough to do all the steps at the same time, but he's deciphered it none-the-less. Amazing.

First bath in the big tub


Hanging with Dad (trying to be funny) and Uncle Jason


Ethan and his cousin Quinn


This depicts NiNi and Ethan's very volitile relationship. The bubble above NiNi's head could read, "Hmmmm, what to do with you...smack you or be nice. Your life is in my hands little brother"

This gives you an idea of how massive our travel group was! Ours was the largest in the history of CCAI's Henan project. So many great bonds formed during our time together and looking forward to getting updates on how all the babies are doing!

Home at last

I can't even express how good it is to be home. We are so in love with Ethan but the trip and whole adoption experience this time around was a tough one. For starters it was LONG. Only 3 days longer than when we picked up NiNi, but felt like 3 weeks longer. And Meagan was having such a hard time. Much of the time we talked on the phone with her she was weepy. Talk about feeling helpless. Then I would hang up the phone and cry myself. I was physically ill much of the trip. Dizzy, no appetite. I kept telling Chris that I felt like the floor was moving...like maybe the hotel was swaying slightly in the wind. Except no one else was feeling it. Felt like I was sea sick the entire trip. I think I had an inner ear thing going on from all the flights. The most challenging part was just adjusting to toddlerhood again. Ethan is different in every way from NiNi. With NiNi, our first few weeks together she was clingy and subdued. She was really grieving the separation from her nanny as they shared a special relationship. Ethan did not seem to grieve at all. Even when we visited his orphanage he was like "See ya, I'm outta here!" There are of course pros and cons to each response, but the biggest thing that we noticed with Ethan was that he did not seem to have ever had any sort of structure, discipline or strong emotional bond with anyone. He snatches toys, hits, shoves kids down. Does not matter if the other kids is twice his size. No social skills whatsoever. Survival skills in an orphanage environment, I know, but still something that we're going to be dealing with for awhile. And to him, we were just a source of food and entertainment...just two more caregivers in his life. Although we are making progress everyday, in many ways this is still the case. I never realized how much soothing and feeding were such a huge part of the bonding process...and with Ethan we felt like we could do neither very well. Ethan is pretty delayed in his eating/feeding skills. At 19 months he still pretty much only eats baby food and drinks from a bottle. At the orphanage he ate rice congee (a sort of boiled down rice soup) every day. When we would try to put something solid in his mouth he'd just spit it out. Eating at restaurants and out of a hotel room for 3 weeks, there were times that we could just not find anything to eat that he liked. It was very stressful knowing he was hungry but not having anything to give him. Also, his sleeping problems were and continue to be an issue. We have not had a continuous nights sleep since we got him. I tell people that it feels very much like the disorienting sleep deprivation of having a newborn. He sleeps at most a few hours at a time and then wakes up screaming...and not a hungry cry but a mad and inconsolable cry. By 2 am he is usually in bed with us out of desperation. We have tried letting him cry himself to sleep and sometimes that works, but then he still wakes again after a few hours. It's tricky because letting him scream alone in his bed for prolonged periods of time is not good for the bonding either. Just wish we knew what was going on in that little brain of his. I guess I have a touch of post-adoption blues you might call it. Even so, we feel very blessed to have this exquisite little creature, and the joys totally outweigh the challenges. He is funny, charming, delightful, smart and curious. There is really something special about him. Seriously, he is like a people magnet.It was really cool watching him explore his new room. He had obviously never seen so many toys and he systematically picked up each one, examined it and problem solved it before moving on to the next one. And he has made progress even in the 48 hours we've been home. Trying new foods, showing a little bit of stranger anxiety, etc. I have to remember that this whole experience has been the most traumatic thing thus far in his little life and that in 6 weeks he will very likely be a totally different kid. The girls are thoroughly enjoying having a live doll to play with. Ethan has immediately taken to Meagan like she is a little mama. He will lift up his arms for her to carry him around. NiNi is having a little bit of a harder time. More emotional and feeling a little left out. Thanks for all of the prayers and well wishes from everyone. We are feeling it and are very grateful for the love and support from so many.


NiNi pulling Ethan around the house in the sled that grandpa got him


Chillin' in the airport luggage cart

Goodbye China!!!!

Feels so good to be writing this post! Although we technically leave mainland China tomorrow morning, we still have a 14 hour layover in Hong Kong, then HK to Seoul, and Seoul to Chicago. What were we thinking. I would pay about 1,000 dollars right now to be home one day earlier. Otherwise, we are doing well. Sleeping is going much better since Chris laid down marshal law. I had gone out shopping the other day and left the boys to fend for themselves. Up to this point Ethan had not napped nor had he fallen asleep without feeding, rocking, in and out of bed with us, etc. Mom had a little emotional breakdown the other night as he was thrashing around inconsolably at 2 am. Anyway, I came back to the hotel to find Ethan sleeping soundly. Chris let him throw a fit in his crib for about 30 minutes until he exhausted himself. Chris said he valued my sanity far too much to keep letting Ethan run the show. In other words, if mom goes to the funny farm, this whole operation gets shut down. It's a little tricky deciding when to start treating him like our other children and actually disciplining him (or at least not giving into his every whim) He is pretty willful and extremely smart. He's already learned the signs for "milk" and "more" and tries to imitate about everything we do and say. Smart enough to manipulate us and his environment...and to be defiant. For example, he knows he's not supposed to put his hands in the toilet and we tell him 'no touch' in Chinese every time he does it. Now, if we forget and leave the door open, he runs for the bathroom, plunges his hands into the water, looks at us and laughs hysterically. So we've started a few light slaps on the hand which only mildly and briefly redirect him. On Monday we took the oath at the consulate. This is the final step in the adoption process here and basically means that he can become a U.S. citizen once we touch down in the U.S. I don't think I was the only one to get a little choked up. The consulate official told us that Chinese adoptions have been up in 2010 and that over 60% are special needs children. There are 16 families in our travel group (was quite a feat to try to get a group photo) and all of the kids have some kind of special need. Very inspiring! Last night we took a dinner cruise on the Pearl River. The city is lit up like Las Vegas for the Asian Games so it was very beautiful. Today we got Ethan dressed up like a little Emperor for the traditional "red couch" photos. Tonight, packing and then we're outta here! See you back home in about 48 hours!

Guangzhou

Finally emerging from my sleep deprivation stupor to blog again. It's Sunday afternoon here and our second full day in Guangzhou. Our last night in Ethan's province was a little stressful as he became really sick. I don't usually freak out when my kids get sick, but when there is no immediate care center, no meds, etc, I start to get a little nervous. The antibiotics we brought did not seem to be working and the fever was not staying down even with Tylenol. At one point our guide called us and said the hotel had a doctor who would be willing to see him. We thought, "fabulous!" We were ushered into this seedy hotel room with a massage table bolted to the wall and some noodles cooking in the hot pot. The older lady was supposedly the "doctor". She did have a stethoscope which she briefly and quite randomly moved around on his chest. The diagnosis? "Probably pneumonia, but maybe nothing. Better go to hospital" was the translation. The hospital was of course a huge public clinic where we would wait for hours and expose him to all sorts of other junk. And no guarantee there would be any western doctors there. We decided to take our chances and give the antibiotics one more day to work, and thankfully they did. It's so funny here. We love the Chinese culture and people, but we are constantly amazed at how nothing is as you expect it to be here. A doctor is not really what we think of as doctor, a hamburger is not a hamburger, even a coke is just not quite right. Yes, it's beginning to feel a little bit like the movie Groundhog's day. Same hotel room, same people, same restaurants, different day. Guangzhou has been nice. It's very warm here, sunny and 70 degrees everyday. Smog is not as bad here. The city has worked very hard to become more appealing in preparation for the Asian games. Seriously, they have been working for a year or more to spruce it up. They allow half of the cars to drive on one day and half on the other day. The parks are fabulous, flowers planted everywhere. The government even ran out many of the small shop owners to make the area look less poor, I suppose. Really a big difference from when we were here in 2007. And the shop owners are not allowed to chase after you to get you to come into their store. It's kind of sad really. You can tell everyone is on their best behavior, putting their best face forward. China is SOO much about image and making sure that outsiders think that China is modern. Ethan is doing great. Last night we all slept a full 8 hours. We are still trying to figure out how this little guy sleeps. With NiNi, it took us several weeks to realize that she liked to sleep with a small blanket to rub on her face. We think there is something like that we are missing with Ethan, because bedtime is just not a happy or comfortable time for him. Otherwise, he is happy and loves to play and eat. He did pretty good on his first airplane flight. Of course it was only 2.5 hours long. Not feeling as confident about the 15 hour flight coming up at the end of the week. He loves the bus rides, looking out the window and waving at people. Yesterday we went for his physical exam in order to get his visa. Today we did a little sight seeing, mostly stuff we saw on our last trip. We are SO ready to come home. We try to talk to the girls everyday, and Meagan is having such a hard time. So are we. Missing them so much. We fly out of Hong Kong on Thursday and it can't come soon enough! The pictures are of a Buddhist temple we visited (food and incense offerings) and a folk art museum. There were kids there younger than Meagan doing incredible drawings of the art and scenery. Also some pictures of Ethan getting his adoption physical.

tired

Just now able to catch up from the past couple of days. Tomorrow we fly to Guangzhou which is the final leg of the trip. Yeah! Yesterday we were able to visit Ethan's orphanage. It seemed like a nice place (of course they were expecting us and limited our visit to only 2 rooms) Still, a valuable piece of Ethan's history that we will be able to share with him later. It was very similar to what I remember of NiNi's orphanage. Housed about 130 kids as well as some disabled people and elderly. He walked in like he owned the joint and started playing with his favorite toys. We took pictures of him with 2 of his buddies, one of his nannies and the director of the orphanage. When we initially received his file, I was under the impression that he lived in Beijing most of his life at the New Hope Center. They told me in fact that he was only there during the time that he was recovering from his two surgeries (so a month or so each stint). The SWI in Luohe was indeed his primary home. They treated us to a fabulous lunch in the "cafeteria" and asked us to please keep in touch and send pictures of Ethan as he grows up. It was a 4 hour round trip and on the way back the car we hired blew out a tire. We were stranded for almost an hour on the side of a busy highway while the driver and Chris and the two other guys in our travel group tried to figure out how to use the jack. Must've been manufactured during WW II because no one had ever seen anything like it. Got the car jacked up and tire changed no problem, but then couldn't get it down again. After scratching our heads for almost 30 minutes, we suggested that where we're from it's perfectly acceptable to go "Dukes of Hazard" style and just drive off the jack. Luckily we finally got it down the boring way. Ethan's cough has gotten worse. He started running a fever last night and his breathing was sounding a little like a pterodactyl. Thank God for our pediatrician who sends us to China with antibiotics to use "at our discretion." Hoping the meds work and his breathing doesn't continue to worsen. We have slept very little the past 48 hours. At about 2:00 this morning I decided I am too old to have any more children...not to birth them, but to actually take care of them. Let's see, how can I describe Ethan. Imagine a miniature land-dwelling octopus (except warm-blooded and much cuter) who is FAST as all get out, has NO feeding schedule, NO nap schedule, and doesn't understand a word you're saying. Oh, and throw in the fact that he has decided he sleeps much better at night when he can use some part of my body as a pillow. No, we are not "family bed" kind of people, but someone didn't get the memo on that. Oh well, sleep is highly overrated anyway. And he's so darn cute it almost makes up for it. The bonding is going great. He will search us out in a room, preferring these two caucasians-wearing-glasses to any other caucasians that he sees. He will sit in our laps while he drinks his bottle and will SOMETIMES let us hold onto the bottle with him. But try to hold the bottle for him, taking away his control and it's all over. Today he spontaneously walked over and plopped himself onto my lap which almost made me cry. Please continue to pray that he can get healthy.