Seems like I have been sharing a lot of deep thoughts on adoption lately. I'm not usually so heavy, but for some reason I feel like my perspective has changed with this newest addition...one newly adopted child and one who is finally old enough to give us tiny glimpses into what she is thinking and feeling. I try to be mindful of not blogging about things that, in the future, the kids could feel violate their privacy in any way. I suppose this post may be pushing the envelope a little. I felt like I was somewhat prepared for the emotional issues my kids may have before we embarked on adoption, but I am realizing that I did not really come to grips with the fact that these issues may last well beyond the initial adjustment period. Intellectually I knew it, but as with all things, out of sight, out of mind. With NiNi, these issues are very much back in sight. She has always had some anxiety when it comes to food. When we first brought her home, she hoarded food, dug food out of the trash and generally ate each meal like it may be her last...not uncommon behavior for internationally adopted children. She also had more of the physical symptoms of malnutrition...brittle hair, boils on her body, abnormal labs, etc. In the first 6 months she was home, she gained a pound a month and in no time looked as plump and healthy as any other 2-year-old little girl. I really believed that the food woes were behind us. When she was about 3, she saw a picture of herself in the orphanage and freaked out. She started ripping up the picture, then proceeded to pull several other similar pictures out of the album and rip them as well (which I allowed her to do because I had digital copies of them). She was even able to share with me some sketchy pre-adoption memories. Mind you, she was 16 months old when we adopted her. It is almost unbelievable to me that she could have any memories at this age, but she clearly did. As she got older we realized that she was the kind of kid that needed to eat often, which we attributed to low blood sugar. Recently we have noticed a dramatic increase in negative behavior...mainly tantrums (the 30-45 minute, inconsolable, full-body, kicking, screaming, thrashing around until you fall asleep variety). It did not occur to me until I was describing this to a friend that 90% of these occurred when she was hungry. Sometimes we were busy running around and be late on lunch, or she would sleep in past her usual breakfast time and wake up ravenous, or she'd want a mid-day snack and I did not immediately produce one. I mean, my other kids have thrown fits, but these are in a league of their own and her reaction not at all in proportion to the "unjustice" done to her, if you know what I mean. I'm becoming increasingly convinced that her brain is hardwired differently...that she associates the feeling of hunger with her experiences in the orphanage. Maybe part of her still believes she may starve and this produces some kind of primal survival response. Hogwash? Maybe, but the tantrums have been reduced by more than half since we've begun operating under this assumption. Recently we started allowing her to keep snacks in her bedroom or in her pocket, having breakfast on the table BEFORE she wakes up in the morning, and when she says, "I'm hungry" we try to take it very seriously. The funny thing is, after all the drama, she sometimes does not even eat the food, or only nibbles on it. I think it's just comforting for her to know it's available. If I could reason with her, I would say, "Have we ever let you go without food? Don't we take good care of you? Don't you know how much we love you?" But this is deep stuff, and it has made me more vigilant with Ethan. For example, is he just naturally super-charming, or is this a skill he learned to curry favor with the nannies. I find myself asking the question, "What is he really telling me?" more and more. I think we owe that to our adopted children. I do believe that love heals all wounds, but the healing process may take an entire lifetime.
4 comments:
Jen - Beautiful post... and so timely. Just last week, I held my 4 year old daughter while she sobbed about her 'china parents' and not being able to know them... I was so unprepared to have that happen so early. She also has some peculiar behaviours that are remnants of her past, I definitely feel like she too is 'hard-wired' differently... came home at 19 months. Devastating to think what she went through... I'm so glad to hear the food-availability is making a difference for her. I now need to take a step back with my daughter and see if I can figure out the root of her behaviors, and some possible accomodations. Thank you thank you for this post.
Megan (from the travel group)
Thank you for sharing your thoughts Jen. They are deep, but I hope you found it theraputic also to get those thoughts out. You are doing such a great job with your children and love will cover over all the hard things the kids will had to endure and will have to change in the hard wiring of their little brains.
When Lily was 3 (we brought her home at 22mo) and I was laying beside her in bed trying to get her to sleep. She was pulling the covers over her head laughing--then suddenly stopped and told me, "babies crying. I find them. I hold babies". I asked her what she was talking about. What babies? You hear babies crying? She said it again--"babies crying, I go see them". I asked here where the babies were and she said "my pink house".
The English teachers that we were in contact with in her home town that visit the orphanage said the nannies would put blankets on the babies heads which meant it's time for sleep. I think this triggered a memory. And, the walls inside her orphanage were pink--so was the outside.
Freaked me out. I talked to a specialist about it they told me that traumatic events can cause a child even at a young age to lay down memory.
Thank you for sharing. We deal with similar things. You're right--it's going to be a life-long process.
Caden's got the food issues going on as well...BIG time! There is so much I'd like to know about what went on, and what caused these behaviors.
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