Good grief

As father's day is approaching I am reminded that it will be 20 years this August that my dad passed away. This is one of my favorite pictures of him. He is not yet thirty and looks completely unburdened. Twenty years sounds like an eternity to my own ears. It also marks the point that he has been gone for more years of my life than he was alive. And he has missed so much...meeting my husband, my wedding, my graduations, the birth and adoption of my children and just the everyday ups and downs of life. I am embarrassed to say that it took me 7 years to visit my dad's grave for the first time. Then another 10 years to visit it a second time.

I guess I have been thinking about grief quite a bit lately. Most recently, I attended the funeral of the mother of a very dear friend of mine. It was a beautiful tribute to a beautiful life...but I couldn't help to wonder if funerals do a disservice to the mourners. Unlike some cultures who hire people to wail and cry and raise a ruckus, we westerners hold it together (at least publicly). We are quick to rattle off encouraging words about end of suffering, being in a better place, etc. Whether or not those things are true, we are sending a message: Don't be sad...get on with your life. I'm just not sure that's what God intended when he gave us the capability to love so fiercely another human being. In some Asian countries the mourning period can last anywhere from 40-100 days! And we go back to work after 3? Really? We love the book, "Tear Soup" by Pat Schweibert. I bought it for Meagan when Mayah passed away, but I think it helped me the most. I love the idea that the grief process is like making a big pot of soup...soup that is made up of memories (good and bad), joy, sorrow, and of course, a whole lot of tears. Soup like that takes a great deal of time and energy to make. Everyone's soup has it's own unique flavor, and unfortunately it freezes well. It's amazing to me how I can put my grief on a shelf, and then pull it out years later and the pain is just as fresh as day one. There is also something to be said for NOT making your soup. All those years that I didn't visit my dad's grave..I think I was secretly hoping that I could bypass all of that hard work of grieving. I appreciate the Chinese emphasis on meticulously taking care of graves...offering gifts and making sure the grave is swept clean. I can't think of a better way to ensure that you are dealing with your emotions on a regular basis. Probably not what the Chinese had in mind, but it's what stands out to me.

In the past few years I have made the 3 hour round trip to my dad's grave much more often. I've introduced my girls to their grandpa (which was way overdue), planted some daylilies and mums, or sometimes I just sit. This summer I want to take Ethan's picture there as he is my dad's namesake. The other day, I came across a picture of my sister and I. We are in our teens/early twenties and making cookies. The kitchen is a mess and we are a mess but so obviously having fun. I remember the picture because my aunt slipped its duplicate into the pocket of my dad's suit coat on the day he was buried. As I looked at the picture I felt my throat tighten to hold back the tears. But then I thought, why? Why hold them back? So I just had a good cry instead. I think I'll be thawing out a little tear soup this father's day. I can't say that I love the taste, but it sure is good for my soul.