L-O-V-E

How can it be that I am nearly 40 years old, having been quite religious for half of those years, yet still have not gotten this unconditional love thing down.  Lately the parenting challenges have come at such rapid fire that I barely have time to come up for air.  Ethan's medical stuff and NiNi's visits to the "talk doctor" all cost money that we don't have.  Now this post is not about our insufficient bank account because, strangely enough, I have great faith that it will work out.  What concerns me more than money is my insufficient "love tank".  NiNi is on a little bit of a destructive bent these days...mostly just tearing up or breaking small things...but still sending a clear message that "I am angry and if I can't hurt you then I'll hurt your stuff." Someone gave me an early Christmas present.  A light-up Santa snow globe.  Probably cost about 10 bucks but a very sweet thought nonetheless.  For some reason NiNi was very interested in it from the moment she saw it.  She kept getting it out of the box and sneaking away to play with it even though I asked her not to.  The next thing I knew she had pulled the power cord out of the bottom so that it no longer worked.  Now, mind you, I had no serious affection for that snow globe, but when she broke it, I snapped.  Some kind of childish rage welled up in me and I started spewing verbage of an 8 year old:  "All you do is break my stuff!"  "I'm going to break something of yours!" and so on.  It was not pretty.  This morning I was reminded that becoming an acceptable parent is an almost always painful process of having the selfishness pummeled, twisted and squeezed out of you.  I remember some of those definitive moments of "de-selfish-ing."  Up all night, 5th night in a row, with the baby.  Anniversary get-away cancelled because of sick kids.  The pre-teen is more than a little embarrassed to be seen in public with you.  Moments when we want to utter those 3 little words, WHAT ABOUT ME?  And I don't even have teenagers yet!  Navigating the waters of attachment disorder is becoming another one of those defining moments for me and lately I feel like I have the battle scars to prove it.   Learning to love my children regardless of their desire or ability to to please me, obey me, give me affection, regulate their own emotions or make me me look good. I love the Message translation of 1 Cor 13

Love never gives up
Love cares more for others than for self
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have
Love doesn't force itself on others
Isn't always "me first"
Doesn't fly off the handle
Doesn't keep score
Puts up with anything
Always looks for the best

Never looks back....But keeps going to the end