Trauma brain

last day of the 2-week intensive...whew!

This started out as a really long email to a very dear friend and fellow adoptive parent, but somehow morphed into this post. We just finished the intensive portion of our attachment therapy (4hrs/day for 10 days and 2 hour round trip each day) Was pretty insane trying to arrange work, school and childcare schedules to do it, not to mention actually financing it (think entire year of psycho-therapy crammed into 2 weeks = $$$) The payment was due Monday and we had it covered but just barely. Borrowed from Paul to pay Peter kind of thing. That Friday Chris got his largest monetary bonus ever...from a commission that was supposed to "go away" last month. Love how God worked that out!

NiNi and Mr. Rick

So, I have a little bit of experience treating people who've had a brain injury when I did adult rehab several years ago. These are the guys who are likely to give you a pat on the behind, because that seems like a perfectly appropriate thing to do to someone you appreciate. Or the folks who tackle a problem from the same (wrong) angle, over and over again, even though it is unsuccessful. A certain part of their brain is running amuck. It's called our frontal lobes and they're partly responsible for impulse control, memory, attention and problem solving to name a few. I happen to think that the neuroscience of the brain and it's ability to form new connections, and heal itself in any capacity after an injury is fascinating. Mention "trauma brain" and I am all ears. I just didn't realize that it would come to describe my adopted children.

Pictures from NiNi's feelings board

But it makes perfect sense. Scientists have been able to study the brain MRI's of children who have experienced early emotional trauma and their brains are biologically different. This is not just psycho-babble, people, but scientific evidence! What they are finding is that these kids have brains that are basically "on fire." They lack (or can't use efficiently) the stress hormone cortisol which helps to regulate their emotions (my non-technical understanding of it). Without the ability to control stress and anxiety, they live in that "flight or fight" state that we learned about in Psych 101. Those lovely and rational frontal lobes are not calling the shots the way they should be. Melt-downs, poor cause and effect thinking, inattentiveness, inability to read social cues...any of this sound familiar adoptive parents?

The good news is we can help to heal and regulate those little brains! That's right, lil' ole us! Mom and dad! Not strangers, not objects and not by themselves. Just like an infant who is soothed best in the arms of mom. So that is what we are working hard at. When we see the first signs of disregulation (becoming fidgety, becoming withdrawn, hyperactivity that is beyond normal kid speed, etc) she gets a "time in" with one of us! We hold her, sing to her, and tell her she's special (while she is screaming) until we see that she's ok. She resisted it intensely at first. First time-in took 1 hour! Now each time gets shorter and shorter. And she is more affectionate than ever. Sometimes she crawls into my lap all on her own and says "I need some loving time!" I am not even kidding that this stuff has totally changed the way we parent. It is probably the most difficult, labor intensive thing I have ever done (keep in mind we have not one but TWO sweet kiddos who get disregulated quite a bit, sometimes simultaneously).   Think about it, "time-out" or "go to your room" is uber-convenient for parents. Kid is not screaming in my ear, eventually gets over it/stops crying and (bonus) I get to finish up dinner in the meantime. But is "working it out on your own" really what we want to continue to teach her? Isn't that what she did day in and day out before we met her? No. What she needs most is to learn to accept our love and care. And to trust that we know exactly what she needs. All the time. And that she does not have to take care of herself anymore. Not emotionally, or physically. That no amount of hitting, biting or yelling will make me go away.

One frustrating truth of adoption is that it is marketed as something for people who "love kids" or want to "help a child."  And we think, "Hey, that's easy!  I want to love kids too!"  But as adoptive parents we often don't have the tools to help heal these very real and gaping wounds.  Or, worse, we feel guilty and alone because "all the other families we know seem to be doing fine.  So what's wrong with me?"  Well, we're not all doing "fine" whatever that means.  We all need help and support.

So here's to all of us getting to a more consistent state of ....

3 year old pics!

Blessed

It's 11:44pm.   My husband and children are sound asleep and I am eating an entire bag of kettle cooked potato chips in perfect blissful silence.  This post has been a long time in coming.  And honestly I have been so busy that I haven't had time to think much about how I feel. Have I mentioned before my burning desire to simplify my life?  Well, it hasn't happened.  Work is crazy....reports, clients coming in and out, conferences.  Chris has traveled some.  Not a ton, but 3 days here, 4 days there, enough for me to feel the burden of being sole caregiver for awhile.  We have been in a holding pattern with NiNi, waiting for the therapy appointment...not quite sure what to do so, at times, just letting chaos reign.  And Ethan continues to baffle us with his hyper-drive speed.  I know he's a boy, but I am around toddler boys quite a bit, and his "activeness"(for lack of a better word) is unique.  He recently qualified for the developmental preschool (preschool for special needs kids) and I had some strange emotions surface.  All this time I have been telling myself that only his language skills are delayed, but, in reality, he likely has some other stuff going on too. And most days keeping up with the house, laundry, cooking and dishes is just a losing battle.  But we have nothing if we don't have perspective!  My children do not have a terminal disease, we are not homeless, jobless, or friendless.  I try to have a little Bible study with Meagan each morning and the other day it was Matthew 5.  It begins with the Beatitudes...Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted, etc.   Meagan looked incredulous and said, "What does that mean?"  I tried to sound confident and came up with some semi-lame explanation, but later asked myself the same question.  Do I really understand what Jesus is talking about?  It does seem rather counter-intuitive.  Are the poor really better off?  Those who grieve, are they really closer to God?  But when I stop and think of the tremendous truths God is revealing, things come into clearer focus.  And I can even pen a few beatitudes of my own.  Ok, not nearly as wise and poetic as the words of Jesus, but you get the idea.

Blessed are you when life is a mess...

Ethan still struggles to really "play" with toys, preferring instead to just tear through the house...pulling dishes out of the dishwasher, DVD's out of the cabinet, playing the "dump" game with baskets of toys, pulling clothes out of drawers, etc.  Cleaning up after him is like shoveling snow while it's still snowing.  The other day I proposed a breakfast picnic...on the floor because last night's dinner dishes were still on the table and lunch dishes were still in the sink.  Lots of people say, "oh my house is such a mess."  But this is the real deal.  And it bothers me.  House in order = life in order, right?  Last weekend was Easter and I volunteered to have dinner at my house (after just coming back from Cincinnati and then a full work week)  I started cooking and cleaning on Friday night and 24 hours later, the house was not clean.  Oh, we were cleaning, but Ethan was faster.  As I was frantically trying to finish up before church (not enjoying my kids, not watching them with their Easter baskets, not playing with them) it hit me.  People will still love me and likely have a good time whether my house is clean or not!  Let them embrace the mess!  It was quite liberating.  So we had Easter.  With Cheerios on the carpet (my nephew commenting, "Wow that's a lot of Cheerios" right before got down on his knees and picked them up himself), a large pile of junk mail in the corner, and no pretty place settings.  It's a little humbling that I cannot do it all.  But that is the blessing... my heart can be perfectly at rest even when my ducks are not in row, or even all in the same pond.

Blessed are you when your kids are emotionally needy...

There.  I said it.  It sounds a little harsh but I don't mean it that way.  Aren't we all incredibly needy?  We need words of affirmation, we need affection (but don't smother me now), we need "me" time, we need "we" time, we need adventure, and the list goes on and on.  Our parenting philosophy with Meagan was that she would fit nicely into our already established routine.  Sort of like a piece of furniture.  And amazingly she did.  She slept when we wanted her to sleep, ate when we wanted her to eat, played quietly, and looked cute for our friends.  We mused to ourselves, "I don't know what's wrong with everyone else, but we have this parenting thing nailed!"  Let's just say over the past 6 years we have felt less and less confident.  At times I feel resentful.  Why can't they just fall in line.  Without techniques, without costly expert advice, without all the heaviness.  But I look at mine and NiNi's relationship today and I can't believe what I almost missed.  I almost missed getting to know her.  Her deepest fears (and what calms them), what makes her feel loved, how her brain works, her sense of humor.  My kids are exquisitely complex and fascinating creatures.  Two of them had whole separate lives before they met me.  It is irresponsible and just plain sad if I don't spend the time and energy to know them completely, instead of just figuring out how to fit them into my life.  And I know our relationship is richer as a result.

I'll stop before this post turns into an essay, but next week begins our 2 week attachment training.  Somehow I think there will be a part II to this topic...

Happy Easter!

Sweet Quinn

Check out our Easter attire....pink cowboy boots

Meagan pretending NOT to have a good time hunting for Easter eggs

the ever elusive zzzz's

So after a year home and 365 quiet and peaceful nights, Ethan has given up sleep.  We had a nice routine going.  We rocked, we read books, we drank warm milk, we turned on his cute little turtle...the one that projects stars onto the ceiling.  At this point he would usually point to his crib and say "night night" with a sleepy smile on his face.  No fussing, no crying, just snuggling into his pillow and that was all she wrote.  Well, ain't nobody getting a good night's sleep these days except that blasted turtle.  He is waking 2-3 times per night crying inconsolably.  We have tried milk, food, lights on, lights off, door open, door closed, music on, music off, humidifier, Tylenol, and yes (shame) even a little Benedryl.  The only thing that really works is to sandwich him between two warm bodies...any two will do.  It's like he just needs to be close.  When Meagan was a toddler I turned up my nose at my co-sleeping friends who obviously lacked boundaries and just plain old good sense.  But now?  Not so much.  Not sure if I am older and wiser or just older and tired, but is it really such a terrible thing to allow your child to sleep with you?  Think about it.  Night time can be a pretty lonely time of day.  Don't we, as adults, prefer to sleep snuggled up to our spouse instead of alone?  I recently read that co-sleeping was the norm in all societies prior to the 1700's.  And many people in other countries still co-sleep with their children out of necessity (think entire family sleeping in one small room).  And most of those kids don't grow up to be sissies or axe-murderers.  See....deprive yourself of sleep for 8 weeks and co-sleeping will begin to seem reasonable to you as well!

Mini Vacation

 We took a shortened and more "northern" version of our usual Florida spring break...to Cincinnati! Actually had an 80 degree day when we hit the zoo!

Calling up room service

large and very creepy crab

NiNi in a sweet rare moment of joyful bliss