Trauma brain

last day of the 2-week intensive...whew!

This started out as a really long email to a very dear friend and fellow adoptive parent, but somehow morphed into this post. We just finished the intensive portion of our attachment therapy (4hrs/day for 10 days and 2 hour round trip each day) Was pretty insane trying to arrange work, school and childcare schedules to do it, not to mention actually financing it (think entire year of psycho-therapy crammed into 2 weeks = $$$) The payment was due Monday and we had it covered but just barely. Borrowed from Paul to pay Peter kind of thing. That Friday Chris got his largest monetary bonus ever...from a commission that was supposed to "go away" last month. Love how God worked that out!

NiNi and Mr. Rick

So, I have a little bit of experience treating people who've had a brain injury when I did adult rehab several years ago. These are the guys who are likely to give you a pat on the behind, because that seems like a perfectly appropriate thing to do to someone you appreciate. Or the folks who tackle a problem from the same (wrong) angle, over and over again, even though it is unsuccessful. A certain part of their brain is running amuck. It's called our frontal lobes and they're partly responsible for impulse control, memory, attention and problem solving to name a few. I happen to think that the neuroscience of the brain and it's ability to form new connections, and heal itself in any capacity after an injury is fascinating. Mention "trauma brain" and I am all ears. I just didn't realize that it would come to describe my adopted children.

Pictures from NiNi's feelings board

But it makes perfect sense. Scientists have been able to study the brain MRI's of children who have experienced early emotional trauma and their brains are biologically different. This is not just psycho-babble, people, but scientific evidence! What they are finding is that these kids have brains that are basically "on fire." They lack (or can't use efficiently) the stress hormone cortisol which helps to regulate their emotions (my non-technical understanding of it). Without the ability to control stress and anxiety, they live in that "flight or fight" state that we learned about in Psych 101. Those lovely and rational frontal lobes are not calling the shots the way they should be. Melt-downs, poor cause and effect thinking, inattentiveness, inability to read social cues...any of this sound familiar adoptive parents?

The good news is we can help to heal and regulate those little brains! That's right, lil' ole us! Mom and dad! Not strangers, not objects and not by themselves. Just like an infant who is soothed best in the arms of mom. So that is what we are working hard at. When we see the first signs of disregulation (becoming fidgety, becoming withdrawn, hyperactivity that is beyond normal kid speed, etc) she gets a "time in" with one of us! We hold her, sing to her, and tell her she's special (while she is screaming) until we see that she's ok. She resisted it intensely at first. First time-in took 1 hour! Now each time gets shorter and shorter. And she is more affectionate than ever. Sometimes she crawls into my lap all on her own and says "I need some loving time!" I am not even kidding that this stuff has totally changed the way we parent. It is probably the most difficult, labor intensive thing I have ever done (keep in mind we have not one but TWO sweet kiddos who get disregulated quite a bit, sometimes simultaneously).   Think about it, "time-out" or "go to your room" is uber-convenient for parents. Kid is not screaming in my ear, eventually gets over it/stops crying and (bonus) I get to finish up dinner in the meantime. But is "working it out on your own" really what we want to continue to teach her? Isn't that what she did day in and day out before we met her? No. What she needs most is to learn to accept our love and care. And to trust that we know exactly what she needs. All the time. And that she does not have to take care of herself anymore. Not emotionally, or physically. That no amount of hitting, biting or yelling will make me go away.

One frustrating truth of adoption is that it is marketed as something for people who "love kids" or want to "help a child."  And we think, "Hey, that's easy!  I want to love kids too!"  But as adoptive parents we often don't have the tools to help heal these very real and gaping wounds.  Or, worse, we feel guilty and alone because "all the other families we know seem to be doing fine.  So what's wrong with me?"  Well, we're not all doing "fine" whatever that means.  We all need help and support.

So here's to all of us getting to a more consistent state of ....