Blessed

It's 11:44pm.   My husband and children are sound asleep and I am eating an entire bag of kettle cooked potato chips in perfect blissful silence.  This post has been a long time in coming.  And honestly I have been so busy that I haven't had time to think much about how I feel. Have I mentioned before my burning desire to simplify my life?  Well, it hasn't happened.  Work is crazy....reports, clients coming in and out, conferences.  Chris has traveled some.  Not a ton, but 3 days here, 4 days there, enough for me to feel the burden of being sole caregiver for awhile.  We have been in a holding pattern with NiNi, waiting for the therapy appointment...not quite sure what to do so, at times, just letting chaos reign.  And Ethan continues to baffle us with his hyper-drive speed.  I know he's a boy, but I am around toddler boys quite a bit, and his "activeness"(for lack of a better word) is unique.  He recently qualified for the developmental preschool (preschool for special needs kids) and I had some strange emotions surface.  All this time I have been telling myself that only his language skills are delayed, but, in reality, he likely has some other stuff going on too. And most days keeping up with the house, laundry, cooking and dishes is just a losing battle.  But we have nothing if we don't have perspective!  My children do not have a terminal disease, we are not homeless, jobless, or friendless.  I try to have a little Bible study with Meagan each morning and the other day it was Matthew 5.  It begins with the Beatitudes...Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted, etc.   Meagan looked incredulous and said, "What does that mean?"  I tried to sound confident and came up with some semi-lame explanation, but later asked myself the same question.  Do I really understand what Jesus is talking about?  It does seem rather counter-intuitive.  Are the poor really better off?  Those who grieve, are they really closer to God?  But when I stop and think of the tremendous truths God is revealing, things come into clearer focus.  And I can even pen a few beatitudes of my own.  Ok, not nearly as wise and poetic as the words of Jesus, but you get the idea.

Blessed are you when life is a mess...

Ethan still struggles to really "play" with toys, preferring instead to just tear through the house...pulling dishes out of the dishwasher, DVD's out of the cabinet, playing the "dump" game with baskets of toys, pulling clothes out of drawers, etc.  Cleaning up after him is like shoveling snow while it's still snowing.  The other day I proposed a breakfast picnic...on the floor because last night's dinner dishes were still on the table and lunch dishes were still in the sink.  Lots of people say, "oh my house is such a mess."  But this is the real deal.  And it bothers me.  House in order = life in order, right?  Last weekend was Easter and I volunteered to have dinner at my house (after just coming back from Cincinnati and then a full work week)  I started cooking and cleaning on Friday night and 24 hours later, the house was not clean.  Oh, we were cleaning, but Ethan was faster.  As I was frantically trying to finish up before church (not enjoying my kids, not watching them with their Easter baskets, not playing with them) it hit me.  People will still love me and likely have a good time whether my house is clean or not!  Let them embrace the mess!  It was quite liberating.  So we had Easter.  With Cheerios on the carpet (my nephew commenting, "Wow that's a lot of Cheerios" right before got down on his knees and picked them up himself), a large pile of junk mail in the corner, and no pretty place settings.  It's a little humbling that I cannot do it all.  But that is the blessing... my heart can be perfectly at rest even when my ducks are not in row, or even all in the same pond.

Blessed are you when your kids are emotionally needy...

There.  I said it.  It sounds a little harsh but I don't mean it that way.  Aren't we all incredibly needy?  We need words of affirmation, we need affection (but don't smother me now), we need "me" time, we need "we" time, we need adventure, and the list goes on and on.  Our parenting philosophy with Meagan was that she would fit nicely into our already established routine.  Sort of like a piece of furniture.  And amazingly she did.  She slept when we wanted her to sleep, ate when we wanted her to eat, played quietly, and looked cute for our friends.  We mused to ourselves, "I don't know what's wrong with everyone else, but we have this parenting thing nailed!"  Let's just say over the past 6 years we have felt less and less confident.  At times I feel resentful.  Why can't they just fall in line.  Without techniques, without costly expert advice, without all the heaviness.  But I look at mine and NiNi's relationship today and I can't believe what I almost missed.  I almost missed getting to know her.  Her deepest fears (and what calms them), what makes her feel loved, how her brain works, her sense of humor.  My kids are exquisitely complex and fascinating creatures.  Two of them had whole separate lives before they met me.  It is irresponsible and just plain sad if I don't spend the time and energy to know them completely, instead of just figuring out how to fit them into my life.  And I know our relationship is richer as a result.

I'll stop before this post turns into an essay, but next week begins our 2 week attachment training.  Somehow I think there will be a part II to this topic...